NOW Living Downtown!

NOW Living Downtown!

50, Friendship and Fear

For as long as I can remember, I knew that April 20, 2006, was coming-- I had marked it on a calendar once when I was very young- I had looked it up-- I knew that it was on a wednesday. I wondered what the world would be like in 2006, and, quite frankly, because of my apocolyptic upbringing, I seriously doubted that the world would make it to 2006, much less me. But, 2006 came along- much to my surprise, and a bit of chagrin. New Years 2006 meant that I was going to turn 50, and I was not that thrilled about it. Sure, I'm thrilled to be alive-there have been a few too many close calls with death in the past few years, and with my health on the line sometimes, I'm happy to be here (like a mole on Marilyn Monroe's face--just happy to be here!) On New Year's Day, I looked in the mirror: do I look 50? do I feel 50? do I act 50? and just what does 50 look like? feel like? act like? Did my bladder turn 50 before the rest of my body-- and just didn't notify the rest of me? Is 50 the reason that I get up 3 times during the night? Is 50 that growing annoyance with the thump thump of the car stereos on my street? Is 50 the nostalgic yearnings I feel for James Taylor and John Denver music? Have I become my father, or pray not, my mother? Will I soon be talking about problems with my knees/back/shoulder/kidneys/social security? AARP was right on top of it-- sent my membership packet months ago- and I laughed it off, now, I'm looking for it to save on insurance. Retired? Oh, my--I have lived my working life as if I AM retired, with work more like a hobby than work- I haven't missed much in life, done just about everything I wanted to do- been where I wanted to go-- lived through tornadoes, earthquakes, riots, muggings, bad relationships, worse breakups, deep sorrow, Reagan/Bush and Bush again, 9.11, the .com bust, a brain bleed, restoring an old house-- I've marched in the streets, danced in the streets, cleaned up the streets, fought for the streets and served on the streets--and, done it in just 50 years. I was born too early to be drafted, but, watched War during my entire childhood. I have never known life without a war. I have stood by the hospital beds of over 100 friends who have succumbed to HIV--from my work in a hospice, to neighbors, to co-workers, to those I dearly loved. I do not foresee the end to either--war or HIV. I am 50, and I sometimes wonder if I was cheated out of "good old days," maybe it was watching the Fonz and Richie on "Happy Days," and wanting those days--or, just maybe, everyone wonders if they missed those carefree days? BUT, as I was surprised--totally and completely surprised by a birthday party on April 8--a full 12 days before my birthday--I started to think: this is my good old day. THIS is my movie moment, the moment that will play in a reel in my head when I am far past 50- these are the people who have made turning 50 NOT so fearful. Many of those people have seen 50, and seen 60, and some even beyond--- and I see how they live, how they fully and wholly live- and embrace their age, and their bodies, and their relationships with the energy that teenagers could only wish for! I walked through the rooms of my house and was surprised, and humbled, and loved by people from the disparate parts of my life that rarely come together-- from cities and states across the country- Texas, Rhode Island, North Carolina, Colorado, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Visalia, D.C. It was too much to take in-I could not inhale the love and friendship that brought it together--I felt out of breath. Friendship filled the house-- again and again--the back yard was filled with tables and balloons and flowers-- and the weather smiled-- a big smile-- and, it was perfect-- Oh, the wine-- and wine and wine and wine-- good wine, aged and mellowed like the friends-- varieties, like the friends, rare--like the friends--too many metaphorical comparisons. They gave me gifts-which was redundant, because their presence was such a gift-- people had gone to so much TROUBLE for the event, expense, time, trouble-- for me; and though I teased that I didn't want to be the center of attention, I was equally embarrassed and overjoyed. I could not write this until now--7 days later. The FEAR of 50 became a celebration of friendship-- my birthday became an excuse for some of the most important people in my life to meet, to interact, to engage with each other, to fall in love with each other, to ask me "where have you been hiding him/her?" If anyone was uncomfortable with some of my friends, I would expect that, because I have never chosen to be "safe" with my friendships-I would never want my friendships to be homogeneous--the tapestry of people who were at the party IS ME. The room was not all the same color, faith, age, sexual orientation, health status, income level or background- the things that were in common superceded all of those categories. It was a "Matthew" party, in the truest sense. The presence of the kids-- the Graham roses, Nathan Watson, and Oliver Righton-- made the tapestry complete. The laughter, the wine, the memories, the house (my Fermata), the food, did I mention the wine, made it the most memorable night of my adult life--so far..... I cannot express my gratitude enough to Sue (and Bob) Mallory- who have loved me for, it feels like, my entire adult life:) Sue is the other half of my heart-- she makes me better than I am, better than I could ever be without her. She lifts me up. From visionary to leader to teacher to friend to sister to soul mate, Sue Mallory loves me with a grace that makes me see the Christ more clearly. I know that I am not the only one Sue loves--surely Chris, Carolyn, Sarah B., Jaye are loved by her, but, I know a kinship. Sue's love and caring support is localized by Joan and Marty-who have become my "nearby rock" when Sue isn't close enough, and when Sue needs respite and Melina, Vance and Mason (Jennifer, Sarah, Tim and Todd, too) Joan and Marty arrive in my life with time, tools, laughter and a "knowing" as fellow wounded gypsies. I know that I would not be alive today if it were not for the friendships in my life. Literally-not figuratively. Sue, Jim, Joan&Marty, Felicia, Matthew&Lisa, Debbie, Jeno--With these people in my life, I turn 50--with a hope to keep turning a few more times.